i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
