to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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