well you can't waste a boner
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
