Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
