I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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