i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
