but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
