I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
