Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
