well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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