i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
