do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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