I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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