her vagine was all disorganized.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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