Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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