bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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