if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
