I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
