I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
