I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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