Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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