Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
