You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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