you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
