i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
