Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
