did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
