I haven't been this sober since birth.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
