Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
