If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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