im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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