how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
