My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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