We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
