So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
