yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
