it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
