dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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