do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
