she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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