BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
