Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
