On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
