if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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