I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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