My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
