you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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