That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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