i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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