On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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